Suzi Petroff, REALTOR®

Suzi Petroff, REALTOR® 

A few years ago, we were replacing a fence at our house on a corner lot. We put in a beautiful 8 foot cedar board on board, but the city tagged us because it wasn’t to code. But they also said we could keep it if every neighbor within 200 feet agreed. Two held out, so we rebuilt our fence to comply with code. The replacement was a story-book garden fence with 4” pickets separated by 4.5” gaps. Lady Banks rose bushes provided additional privacy.

But a few days after completing the fence, the child of one of the objectors let their dog off leash, and it attacked our pup through the code-required gaps, leaving a nasty gash below her eye. These were the same neighbors who had denied us our more secure fence. We made sure they knew we were upset, and we made our first every enemy with a neighbor.

But that didn’t last. The child’s father apologized, and soon we were all friends. They regretted objecting to our fence, but we’d grown to love what we had and didn’t want it to be an ongoing issue. We were glad to have nurtured a more positive relationship.

According to Thomson Reuters, 42% of us have engaged in neighbor hostility; 48% of neighbor disputes are about noise, followed by pets (29%), children (21%), trash or other visual nuisances (18%), and property boundaries ( 17%). Also included in the list were criminal complaints, code violations, and parking (Love They Neighbor? Four in Ten Americans Have Had a Neighbor Dispute, Says New FindLaw.com Survey, June 18, 2013; thomsonreuters.com).

Six months ago, we moved to the country. One corner of our yard adjacent to our only neighbor stayed particularly swampy. We assumed we’d inherited a leak in our irrigation lines, but the repairman said our neighbor was secretly dumping his excess water directly into our yard using an illegally buried 4” drain pipe. When we asked the neighbor to remove the illegal pipe, he tried to attack my husband and then called the police on us.

In the weeks that followed, he would invite us over in one breath and then cut us down in the next. We didn’t know if we were getting nice neighbor or hostile neighbor. And then he commented that a mutual friend said we’d inquired if it was safe to drink septic water, and I lost it on him, giving him the angry reaction he wanted. 

In an online support group, I learned about the Grey Rock Method. This is a communication method meant to bore narcissists who would bully or harass you. It involves acting like a boring grey rock: be uninteresting, non-dramatic, non-informative, non-emotional, non-present. Don’t feed the drama-seeker. Offer nothing; be impersonal.

Imagine that septic water conversation using the Grey Rock Method: 

Him: I heard you were asking if it was safe to drink sewer water.

Me: Excuse me, I need to water that plant on the other side of the yard.

Him: Yeah, the guy who told me that said you were overpaying for your home improvements.

Me: I’m going to water that hydrangea bush now. Bye.

Him: I get the impression you guys don’t like me much. I’m just trying to be friends.

Me: I’ve got to go now.

Him: Hey, I could fix that lawn mower for you. I can come do it right now. I won’t charge you.

Me: No thanks. Bye.

By giving him nothing, he has no footing in the conversation, and I can walk away feeling better about how it went. There’s no emotion, and thus no hostility or rudeness, and he has no fodder for his gossip or drama mill.

I’m a firm believer in carefully picking your battles. I’d rather have a neighbor who I consider a friend. But since this person acted aggressively, I’ve chosen a communication strategy that keeps the peace and sets healthy boundaries.

For more information on the Great Rock Method, visit: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/31/grey-rocking-how-to-bore-a-toxic-narcissist-out-of-your-life